I decided to leave my blog be, after all in some moment of time what I wrote meant something significant to me. Even though so much has changed, I changed, it may be all those instances, all those injuries, all those jabs in life that made me who I am today.
Moving forward, and looking to find something that will give me significance and a reason to feel the fire again and also keep me accountable and most importantly find mindfulness and joy in life and running again.
I feel that I should go into depth of where I am coming from to explain why I am here.
8 years ago or more I was once wrote about being one of the best female ultra runners on the East Coast. Still to this day I never thought that as being true. Yes, I won ultras, claimed and broke course records here and there, BUT I never really thought of myself as one of the best even when I was at my best.
I wasn't anything special in my eyes, even with the HUGE goals I always set for myself, I never achieved any of them. I always set goals that were unreachable or left me with injuries. Which is most likely why I am where I am today, mentally burnt out.
Back when I was a sponsored runner- mostly free apparel, gear, supplements, free race entries and couple paid trips. I thought I was really living "the dream". Shortly after my 2nd big injury I was mentally exhausted- how would I keep my sponsors? As soon as I would be registered for a big event i was withdrawing my registration due to injury. This took me into an emotional downwards spiral. What am I without being on THAT TEAM.. Who am I?
I then decided I would make the decision for myself- I wrote to my sponsors and let them know I was on my own. I struggle with this, I was now allowed to explore, try new products. For 4 years I was solely committed to these companies, they all worked so well for me, why should I stop using them? That struggle quickly faded and I was testing new nutrition, new shoes, new hydration packs/bottles, socks, etc.
I found that some products royally sucked and others were better than what I used before. This blog will in no way push products, I am not an advertisement and I truly believe what works for me may not work for you.
I currently have 3 ambassadorships.
For my Hydration needs, I use Nuun.
For my hydration gear, I use Orange Mud.
For my socks and recovery needs, I use OS1st.
Other products I use but in no ambassadorship or sponsorship- just I generally enjoy, like, and respect the product/brand.
For my shoes, Nike.
For my clothing, Nike, Craft, Patagonia
For my nutrition needs, Maurten
Other gear: Noxgear, Oofos
I've noticed I've become alot more reserved with my running related posts. I sometimes catch myself posting about running and only to in a few short moments deleting it. I second guess everything now when it comes to running. A lot of that has to do with self doubt. Maybe that's why I stopped blogging about my races as well. Since my last Blog- I've raced a few more 50ks and 2 50 mile events.
The last 4 years I really fell off the face of the earth with ultra running- close to 2 years I ran 0 races, the last 2 years I really have been trying to embrace running slower and shorter miles. I've learned over the last 2 years of being back running ultras- to set my expectations at a more realistic level. But then sometimes I question that, I feel like doing this takes the fun and the "is it worth it" out of running. Finding balance between the two is what I'm searching for, realistic and worthiness. Make sense?
Why didn't I run races for 2 years? The burn out of constant injuries. But mostly the mental side of it all. When you dont train properly for 2 years and you come back knowing your body is ready, yet your mental state isn't prepared for what is about to happen.
Please bare with me during this process- and follow with an open mind and without judgment.I'm not here for bragging rights, or to be educational with my training routine. I'm mostly here because I'm trying to find my way back from self doubt to self worth with running, if I can inspire others in similar situations that is great and glad I can help.
Check out my training blog, updated daily.
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